If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that
users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they
don't want.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier
machine.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if
his is a good price.
If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the
wind.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not
reached their level of incompetence.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest
fish.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more
than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally
impossible.
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat
each other.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
-- Olivier
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize
a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes
instead of old ones.
Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part
of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
This person must be fired.
Percussive Sublimation is the promotion of an incompetent
employee to a "higher" position which brings on no new responsibility but
unclogs the rest of the hierarchy. This is known as kicking someone upstairs.
Hierarchiology tells us that every thriving organization will be characterized
by this accumulation of deadwood at the executive level, consisting of
percussive
sublimatees and potential candidates for percussive sublimation. One well-known
appliance manufacturing firm has twenty-three vice-presidents!
The Lateral Arabesque is another pseudo-promotion. Without being raised in rank
-- sometimes without even a pay raise -- the incompetent employee is given A NEW
AND LONGER TITLE and is moved to an office in a remote part of the building.
...so we see that percussive sublimation and lateral arabesques can serve to
keep the drones out of the hair of the workers.
-- from "The Peter Principle"
--
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
--
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
--
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
--
Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
--
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
--
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
--
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
--
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
--
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
--
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
--
Boren's Laws:
(1) When in charge, ponder.
(2) When in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
--
Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
--
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
--
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
--
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
--
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason.
--
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
--
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
--
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
--
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
--
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
--
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
--
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
--
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
--
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
--
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
--
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
--
's Laws of Love:
(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
of yourself in person.
--
Avoid reality at all costs.
--
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
on a ukelele.
--
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
by governors.
--
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
--
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
types, and those who don't.
--
Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
--
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
a better looking and richer male friend.
It is a set of laws governing inanimate objects behaviour.
The original (neither Diet nor New) is:
"If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists,
the event will take place; preferably during a demonstration."
A few other ones:
Buttered Pancake Principle:
"Any buttered pancake that falls down will land on the buttered side.
Results of this principle are not affected in any way by adding jam.
The pancake will land on the non-buttered side whenever attempting to
demonstrate this principle."
Gordon's Warranty Law:
"All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment."
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem:
"No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will
fuse/explode/
disassemble within three (3) days of warranty expiration."
IBM Project Management Axiom:
"Need for project modifications increases proportionnally to project
completion"
Universal Tech Document Units Law:
"Characteristics, specifications, dimensions and any other data included
in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of
troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram"
for speeds."
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle:
"Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they
are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili and Moghol."
Sjeverrijk Theorem:
"In any computation, the value given for certain is wrong."
Scientific Computations Law:
"a. Decimal points are misplaced.
b. Positive powers of ten are in fact negative, and vice-versa."
This law is responsible for interesting results such as 40.8E-3 angstroms
for the earth's circumference, or 3.2E2 Gigafarads in and RLC circuit.
Fractions Computations Basic Principle:
"In any fraction of mid-level complexity, interchange of factors above and
under the fraction bar takes place."
Scheverezhin's Equation System Theorem:
"When solving an equation system, the result yielded is x=17x + 1, which
is evidently false. Careful recomputation will yield x=x or 1=1."
Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes:
First Law:
"Any pre-cut equipment is too short. This is specially true of optic fiber
cables with expensive connectors at both ends."
Second Law:
"If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available."
Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational Field"):
"Any tool escaping manipulator's hands willnot necessarily follow Earth's
gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the
prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype.
This will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which
case it will land on the manipulator's foot."
Fourth Law:
"When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact."
Fifth Law:
"Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa."
Sixth Law:
"A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a
minimum
of 25% - if it does oscillate at all."
Seventh Law:
"When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions,
a minimum of 11 components are left."
Murphy's Corollary (is that English?):
"If every expert consulted states the problem has no solution, its solution
will be obvious to the first unqualified person entering the room, whether
he/she speaks the language or not."
Prospective Principle:
"A Graphic curve must be plotted before computing any values actually
supposed
to belong to it."
Fudge's Principle:
"If measured results do not match computed values of your equation, add
a new factor - named after yourself - to the equation."
Diddle's Principle:
"Any set of results can match any set of equations provided you develop
a good imagination and sense of tolerance."
Ostrich's Principle:
"Ignore any bugging problem; it will be solved as soon as people stop
talking
about it."
Soviet Method:
"Set working methods in complicated rules and numerous authorizations.
Nothing
will therefore happen, for which no blame can be put on you."
Parkinson's Law (also known as "Thousand Principle"):
"Any corporation with a minimum one thousand (1,000) work force becomes
an autonomous entity, in which enough administrative paperwork is generated
to make external contacts superfluous."
The well-known statement of Murphy's Law--"If something can go wrong, it
will"--turns out to be a corruption of its original formulation: "If there's
a wrong way to do a thing, somebody will find it and do it that way." (see
SCIENCE 83, Jan.-Feb.l983, p. 78) One of my favorite sourcebooks on this
subject is
Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS. I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
(6)
The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.
(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is
impossible.
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
Change is the status quo.
SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased
by it.
FIRST LAW OF ADVICE:
The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
Any decision is better than no decision.
THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.
FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization, but they are
MADE by considering the benefits to the decision-makers.
FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.
SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
The information conveyed is less important than the impression.
THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL:
To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.
PUTTS-BROOKS LAW:
Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.
/* my favorite */
PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW:
Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
Abbott's Admonitions:
1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Abrams's Advice:
When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Rule of Accuracy:
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you
know the answer.
Corollary:
Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy:
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the
writer.
Acton's Law:
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade's Law:
Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is
on time.
Albrecht's Law:
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum
tolerable well being.
Algren's Precepts:
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never play cards with a man named Doc.
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Allen's Law of Civilization:
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it.
Agnes Allen's Law:
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Fred Allen's Motto:
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal
lobotomy.
Alley's Axiom:
Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
Alligator Allegory:
The objective of all dedicated product support employees should be to
thoroughly analyze all situations,
anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence,
have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these
problems
when called upon.
However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to
remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
Allison's Precept:
The best simple-minded test of experience in a particular area is the
ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that
area.
Anderson's Law:
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you
looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
Andrews's Canoeing Postulate:
No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming
back.
Law of Annoyance:
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain
you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of
the
workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike
your
toes.
Laws of Applied Confusion:
1) The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that
supports
75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary:
Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they
haven't
even made it.
2) Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you
are waiting for the truck.
3) After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add
two
more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
4) In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be
mismarked
and expect the plant to cross you up.
Corollaries:
1) In any group of pieces with the same erection mark on it, one
should not have that mark on it.
2) It will not be discovered until you try to put it where the mark
says it's supposed to go.
3) Never argue with the fabricating plant about an error. The
inspection prints are all checked off, even to the holes that
aren't there.
Approval Seeker's Law:
Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
The Aquinas Axiom:
What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom:
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law:
If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't
pick
it up, paint it.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:
1) Numbers are tools, not rules.
2) Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the
same.
3) Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evid ????
Klipstein's Laws:
Applied to General Engineering:
1) A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar
application made by an independent worker.
2) Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the
tightness
of the schedule.
3) Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will bexpr furper frtnigh ) Any ut
tolengthbe to short Appled to ypingand Pron: lerane acluectionally
toward maximum difficulty to assemble.
2) If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in
stock.
3) A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
4) A failsafe circuit will destroy others.
5) A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse
by
blowing first.
6) A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final
inspection.
